you hate the man whose eyes you share. you hate him and you love him and you want to curl up in his arms and bleed to death quietly.\n\nyou hate him because he would never let you and you love him for the same reason.\n\n[[gasp|101]]

you find another song and you play that until your fucking speakers [[bleed]] is what.\n\nno, nobody else gets a say, not right now.

didn't you fall asleep?\n\nhow was that only two hours ago?\n\n[[where are you?|still]]

//(i wanted it, I wanted it so badly, I wanted it more than breath or stars or sanity, and then they took it away from me and said I was the one who did it\n\nbut i guess\n\nmaybe I did, trying to shift the blame off oneself is so childish, I don’t...it’s so hard to know what’s real and what isn’t)//\n\n[[gasp|larynx]]

<<silently>>\n<<set $slept = "no">>\n<<endsilently>>\n\nthis game contains themes relating to suicide and self-injury. please take care of yourself.\n\n<center>[["still"|still]]</center>

you can't make this poetic, because it isn't. there is nothing poetic about it. there is just ugliness and [[heaviness]] and aloneness.

<<if $slept eq "yes">>comfortably numb has nothing on [[this]]...\n\n<<else>>comfortably numb has nothing on [[this]]<<endif>>\n\n

so you can't be all that comfortably numb.\n\n'alone' is a feeling.\n\nyou feel pain terrible enough that you think you can cut it out of your skin. that's a [[feeling]].

''etc''\nthis tinytwine is a much oversimplified glimpse into what dealing with depression can be like. the bulk of this was written when i was in the grips of major depressive episode. i personally am a bipolar I/schizoprenia sufferer. it is not meant to be precisely indicative of what every single mentally ill person may or may not feel. i can only write from my own experience.\n\ni just hope it can communicate how insidious and hopeless depression can be.\n\n\n\n''if you need help''\nhere is a [[list|http://mentalillnessmouse.tumblr.com/helpfulresources]] of helpful resources if you suffer from mental illness or know someone who does\n\n\n\n''credits''\nwords by Kirryn\n[[CSS|http://www.glorioustrainwrecks.com/node/5163]] and [[macros|http://www.glorioustrainwrecks.com/node/5462]] by [[L|http://www.glorioustrainwrecks.com/user/584]]\n\nemail me using GIRL AT WINGS DOT NU\n

you feel like you want to tear into your wrist with your teeth. you want to pick up the [[blade]] from the pencil sharpener and finish what you started.

time to sleep?\n\n[[okay|sleep]]\n[[I can't|this]]

do you suppose it's karma?\n\nyou are not a very good or kind person. with numbness and nothingness you know the [[truth]].\n\nit steals in like a thief in broad daylight.

you are just a sad stupid [[pathetic]] little girl.

still

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you want to create beautiful things, to turn pain into creativity and loveliness, but all you can do is sit still, listen to [[that song]] over and over, and count to 100.\n\n<<replace "101">><<replace "102">><<replace "103">><<replace "104">>[[105|101]]<<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>>...

you are a [[millstone]] around the neck of everyone you love.

Kirryn

except that's a [[lie]], isn't it?

once upon a time you sang like an [[angel]] and saw the way thru the [[fog]].

it's not a matter of taste, good or bad, it's what can keep your head above water for five more minutes.\n\nit's what makes you choose [[oxygen]] over blood.\n\nyour speakers bleed. that's fine. it means you're not. at least, not much.

horrendous playlist for the millionth time:\n* [[alive and kicking|https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljIQo1OHkTI]], simple minds (no irony intended)\n* [[comfortably numb|https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8fFVOoqepc]], pink floyd (perennial lifesaver)\n* [[ordinary world|https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDLiVwpv89s]], duran duran (what's ordinary?)\n* [[the sun always shines on TV (1998 live)|https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egZ_wCYP_VM]], a-ha (especially in America, it seems)\n* [[sara|https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32ScTb6_KHg]], starship (you have no excuse for this)\n\nwho knows what's good or bad, really.\n[[you don't|heaviness]].

temporary proxies for oxygen:\n\n- logging out of facebook, twitter, tumblr, dreamwidth\n- music, [[shite or otherwise]]\n- [[sleeping|heaviness]], fuelled by pills or relaxants or blows on the head or anything that's going\n- [[singing|possibility and maybes and somedays]], as odd as that is\n- chocolate milk\n\nyou've never been able to explain that last one.

<<if $slept eq "yes">>you are sitting in a room in the middle of winter with the fan on MEDIUM...\n\n[[credits etc]]<<else>>\nyou are sitting in a room in the middle of winter, with the fan on MEDIUM\n\nyou feel [[nothing]]\n<<endif>>

you feel so [[alone]].

it's probably not your headphones that saved your life, it's the repeat button.\n\nand what do you do if you get sick of the constant [[replays]]?

you could press the blade into your neck a little more and tear your [[larynx]] out, and that would be the end of it, the end of [[possibility and maybes and somedays]] and all of that poisonous dreck.

<<set $slept = "yes">>\n...\n\n[[blink]]

it's all just feelings and chemicals and [[biting your lip]] and staying quiet.